So, if I'm going to have a blog, I suppose I should use it. I always thought it would be great to be able to look back over my posts and see what I was up to at a certain point in time... to see how Nikki has grown and changed, and how she's weathered a few storms as well.
Well, Dear Blog (this is this century's version of Dear Diary I suppose), RL has still been kicking my ass. And it's time I dumped it all on you, cause well heck, you have no choice but to listen, and one day I will look back upon you and see just how far I have come from the bottom of the pit *hopeful smiles*.
Some plurkers and Second Lifer's have noticed that I am around a lot more than usual, on earlier in the day than I used to be. This, my friend, is because I (not Nikki, but the RL girl behind Nikki), broke. Yes, RL finally kicked me hard enough that I just could not get up anymore. A combination of things. Disagreements with RLBF, and living with his moodswings, huffiness, and worries about the future and finances. An aunt diagnosed with breast cancer, waiting through tests, and today "finally" (well it will be yesterday when (and if) this gets posted), she took her first dose of chemotherapy. And a HUGE change at work (which had me extremely stressed *before* the change was announced even) was the straw that broke the camel's back, rendering me unable to work for the past three weeks.
Dear Blog... yes, I suffer from depression. It's something I try to hide, but it is there. Remember when I said, long ago, that just because I was once a dancer in SL, it didn't mean I was damaged? Well... that was only partially true. I still believe that I wasn't a dancer *because* I was damaged. However, the fact remains that I *am* damaged. And I'm tired of trying to pretend I'm not. I probably wasn't fooling anyone anyway. Please tell my friends that I'm sorry I'm not always there to reach out to them the way I wish I could. It's not that I don't care about the difficulties they are going through. I'm just a jumbled mess right now and don't always do the right thing. You know, socially awkward, the way I've been most my life. But, I am a good listener and I am always there for a talk or a hug if they need one. Tell them that for me, ok?
So, Dear Blog, if you've been wondering where I've been, well I apologize. I just haven't been able to take care of all of us. I still love you, just, be patient with me, k?
Thanks for listening, Blog.
Me.
Well, I thought long and hard about it, and have decided that yes, I will publish this. I'm not looking for sympathy as much as understanding I suppose. Hugs to you all. I think most of us can use more than we're getting.
About Me
- Nikki Zenovka
- My full name is Nikkidancer Zenovka in SL, but I'm known to all as Nikki. Reluctantly accepting the "blogger" title. At the moment. Maybe.
9 comments:
Nikki to say that I understand what you are going through would be a lie. I can't understand. However I can sympathize and you know that I'm here if need be.
Love
Lal
Thank you for finding the courage to write this down and publish it. Accepting you have depressions is the first step to work on them.
Hugs!
*hugs*
Always know that you're never alone Nikki, no matter what. I applaud your courage for posting this.
*hugs you* There's not a lot I can say to this because you know that I know where you're coming from. But if you ever need to talk or just go do something distracting in SL, I'm totally there for you!!
Nikki, we're all damaged in our own ways... you're not alone. Sounds like things have been overwhelming lately... I hope that the dark cloud will lift and you will feel better soon. *hugs*
*hugs* you aren't damaged Nikki. You have gone through a lot. If you need to talk, don't hesitate to drop me an IM.
everyone... thank you for your comments (whether left in here, plurk, or email). I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and unsure what to say now, but, I appreciate them, and you, so much. Just know that I do care about you, and I *try* to do right by you all. For those that haven't been through this, I wish there was a way to allow you to really see it, without having to experience it. And for those experiencing it, I wish I could ease your pain as well. Either way, I wish much happiness and light to all of you. To all of us.
Nikki
:( sorry you're having a rough time. *hugs* you've been a great friend to me and I really appreciate it. maybe that doesn't help much but just know there are people out there who care.
I wish I had words that could help but sadly I don't. Maybe I'm going through a thing like you where we get wrapped up in our own overwhelming issues (both RL and SL combined) and we start to isolate ourselves a little bit, or think we aren't being a good friend, or don't want to burden anyone. I don't know.
Just know that we all take turns supporting each other and being there for each other, we can't all be the rock at all times, or the clown, and that's ok it's what makes us who we are and why we're all friends.
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